Destiny, Bungie’s shared world first person shooter, has one of the most porno-worthy plot lines in video games today. Like any good pornographic film, its simple, succinct storytelling doesn’t get weighed down in the sort of information overload that typically plagues science fiction plots. As a fan of both pornography and Destiny, I’ve long wondered if there was a way I could combine my two passions. A couple horrible K/D ratios and moisturizer-clogged controllers later I discovered that no they couldn’t be combined, at least not in the way I had imagined. That’s when I got another idea…
Without further ado, in honor of the new DLC, House of Wolves, which dropped May 19th, may I present Vault of Ass, my new Destiny-themed porno script. I’m currently looking for a producer to get this thing off the ground. E-mail me or leave your contact info in the comments if you’re interested.
VAULT OF ASS
EXT. PLANET MARS – DAY
Astronauts on Mars climbing a hill to reveal a giant, hovering space sphere reminiscent of a testicle: the Unraveler.
VOICEOVER
In the year 2236, as humanity first reached for the stars, it came, again and again. We called it the Unraveler, and it ushered in a Golden Age of sex and other related erotic activities. For centuries humanity boned throughout the furthest reaches of the galaxy.
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT
Cut to a video of a big ass spaceship with Fallen-looking aliens wearing pilgrim hats, but like space pilgrim hats, and looking like they haven’t been laid in like a 100 fucking years.
VOICEOVER
But then arrived the Prudeness. It sought to enforce outdated sexual mores upon the people of Earth and the galaxy beyond. At first humanity resisted, but it could not stop the Prudeness. It pushed us further and further back. First we lost Mars, then Venus, then the Moon. Now only a small pocket of free love still exists in the entire galaxy. It is here on Earth, in the Lost City.
EXT. THE LOST CITY, EARTH – DAY
Cut to an image of the Lost City, a large scale, futuristic-looking orgy with lots of naked people fucking in a super hot way.
VOICEOVER
I am Gjallahorny, leader of the Future Whore Cult, a group dedicated to fighting the Prudeness wherever it may be by telling it to “loosen up baby” and having super hot sex in front of it to make it realize how awesome hot sex is.
Fade to Black.
EXT. A TYPICAL SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD IN THE LOST CITY – DAY
New scene opens with futuristic-looking space wizard ringing a doorbell so he can deliver a magical space pizza. The front door opens to reveal a hot, futuristic-looking space babe with librarian glasses.
SPACE WIZARD
Hi, I’m Gjallahorny. Someone order a space pizza?
SPACE BABE
Gjallahorny? How do you spell that? With a Y?
GJALLAHORNY
No, G-J-A-L-L-A-H-O-R-N-Y. It’s space Swedish or something. The G is silent and the J sounds like a Y.
SPACE BABE
But I thought this was Earth, not space Sweden. I’m gonna call you Ballerhorny instead cause you look like you could ball the fuck out of something…or someone.
GJALLAHORNY
Umm…fine by me (pulls collar nervously). Your space pizza is 10,000 Glimmer. We also accept Vanguard Marks, Crucible Marks, Passage Coins, Motes of Light, Strange Coins, Black Wax Idols, Blue Polyphage, Ether Seeds, Iron Banner Medallions, House Banners, Etheric Light, Weapon Cores, Armor Cores, Runed Cores, Treasure Keys, Network Keys, Silken Codices, Axiomatic Beads, Spirit Bloom, Relic Iron, Helium Filaments, Spinmetal, Vanguard Commendations, Crucible Commendations, Hadronic Essence, Sapphire Wire, Plasteel Plating and Weapon Parts.
SPACE BABE
(smiles coyly) Wait, did you say you accept strange?
GJALLAHORNY
Strange c….yeah, strange.
SPACE BABE
(smiles super coyly) Well come on in and let me give you 10,000 Glimmer’s worth.
Gjallahorny walks in to reveal a super hot sex palace with leopard print couches and a large but not scary quantity of multi-colored space dildos of large but not intimidating girth and length.
SPACE BABE
Welcome…to the Vault of Ass.
Gjallahorny is initially speechless, a mesmerized look coming over his face as he surveys the room.
GJALLAHORNY
My god, the legends…they were…true…so true.
SPACE BABE
Here’s another legend cum to life…
The Space Babe strips off her clothes in one swift motion, as if by space magic, to reveal her hot, naked body dressed only in an exotic pair of gauntlets and boots, fully leveled up.
GJALLAHORNY
You’re a warlock?
SPACE BABE
Indeed. They call me Preydick’s Revenge.
GJALLAHORNY
But, how can you wear two pieces of exotic armor at once? That defies the laws of space and time.
SPACE BABE
Only to one who exists within the realm of space and time. It’s a vexing myth cast by the those who seek to spread the Prudeness throughout the galaxy.
GJALLAHORNY
What? I don’t understand. And how exactly did you find an exotic pair of Warlock boots? I thought such things were lost in the Golden Age.
SPACE BABE
I follow the teachings and wisdom of RNGesus young Ballerhorny. Now cum, I want to feel you set off a nova bomb inside my void. That will provide bonus orgasm.
The Space Babe and Gjallahorny proceed to have super hot sex. First the Space Babe gives Gjallahorny a blowjob, then a space blowjob, then they do it doggy style, then cowgirl, then reverse cowgirl, then spooning, then missionary and then finally Gjallahorny pulls out and cums on her space tits. It’s super hot.
SPACE BABE
Congratulations Guardian! You just leveled up.
GJALLAHORNY
I think I leveled all over the place.
They laugh in unison.
SPACE BABE
That was great. Now get the fuck out.
The Space Babe tosses Gjallahorny’s clothes in his face. He tries to get dressed as quickly as he can but she pushes him out the front door still half-naked. Roll credits.
Not Fit for Human Consumption 