Trump Urges America’s Hipsters to Vote for Him Ironically

Photo by Michael Vadon

Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign is pulling out all the stops in an effort to woo the crucial youth vote for the upcoming election. Wednesday night, Trump kicked off his new “Before It Was Cool” campaign tour to a packed auditorium in Brooklyn, NY. Though the rally covered many topics ranging from urban government’s restrictive animal husbandry laws to the patentability of beard styles, the focus of the night was emphasizing that Trump’s candidacy might appeal to young voters in ways they had not considered and that their peers might not expect.

“You know, everyone assumes a lot about you guys,” Trump responded when asked why any sane person would vote for him. “Hipsters, I mean. You guys probably deny it, but you’re all hipsters. I can tell just by looking at you. Sorry, but it’s true. I’m not trying to be mean, but I tell it like it is. Sometimes people don’t like that, but I think America is sick and tired of politicians lying to them.” Trump shrugged before continuing.

“Don’t get me wrong. I love hipsters. Lots of people assume that all you do is drink that disgusting Pabst beer and raise your own chickens, and, you know, all that stuff. All that lady stuff, too. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I don’t agree with it, but I get it. I’ve spent most of my life in New York.”

Though the crowd appeared visibly confused, Trump pressed on. “See, the thing is they—and by ‘they’ I mean the Washington elites, the Democrats, the Republicans, all those politicians—they also think you tow the party line and vote liberal no matter what. You know, in the bag, so why bother? Lost cause, so why bother? Like you’re just a bunch of sheep following whatever’s in fashion. Is that true? Are you sheep? You think that’s true? I don’t think that’s true. I love hipsters.”

Trump paused again, raising his hands into the air and shrugging in an exaggerated fashion. “Well how about you turn that notion on its head by voting for me? I mean, can you think of anything more unlikely for a 20something, skinny jean-wearing urbanite? You know what I’m talking about. The type who works some unpaid internship at a nonprofit and has to ‘borrow’ money from his parents for rent? Can you imagine a little shit like him voting for me? Or her. I love women. I’m like the PBR of candidates.” Several members of the audience shouted their approval, though it was unclear whether they were serious.

“How hilarious would that be?” Trump continued. “People would look at each other and be like did that guy just say he voted for Trump? You won’t even have to announce it, either. I can pay staffers to hand out ‘I Voted Trump’ stickers at the polling places. I can afford it. It won’t even matter since the first thing I’m going to do when I get in office is make the Democrats pay for those stickers. Like most Americans, I’m sick and tired of getting stuck with politicians’ bills, and if it weren’t for the Democrats this country wouldn’t be so screwed up, and I wouldn’t need to run in the first place. It’s not like I  want to be President, you know. You think I like this? Parading around the country, appearing on TV, in the newspapers, on the internet and all of that, giving speeches about the real issues affecting real Americans and speaking the truth for once? No. Hell no. I’m doing it because I care about this country. I’m doing this because I want to make America great again.”

Several young people who denied being hipsters at press time seemed to respond to Trump’s message. “That would be hilarious,” said 24 year-old social media expert Lindsay Gruber. “Like so many of my friends are like, ‘Oh, Donald Trump is so [expletive] stupid. He’s a [expletive] racist and sexist and doesn’t understand anything about politics.’ I can just see the looks on their faces when I show them my ‘I Voted Trump’ sticker. Like, I already bought that red hat he wears because I thought it was hilarious, but actually voting for him? Oh man.”

Man Misses Admission to Heaven by One Point After Kate-Upton-Ad-Fueled Masturbation Session

                         Heaven

Former human and eternally damned soul Joseph Wade Allen is cursing himself between howls of indescribable torture after barely missing the cut for admission to Heaven last Wednesday.

“We really thought he was going to make it,” shrugged St. Peter, press spokesman for God and leading figure on the Heaven Admissions Committee. “He used to swear a lot when he was young and got his score pretty deep in the hole, but the past few years he’d really started to turn things around.”

Allen, a 26 year-old engineer from New Jersey, was reportedly up a point until a late night television commercial for a new online game propelled him into a lust-fueled masturbation session in the hallway bathroom of his three bedroom rancher.

“It was neck and neck there towards the end,” said St. Peter. “It’s just such a shame he had to see Kate Upton riding that horse, boobs bouncing hypnotically to and fro, right before he slipped and fatally hit his head on the bathroom sink. Non-pornographic masturbation only carries a two point penalty nowadays, but that turned out to be enough to tip the scales.”

Mr. Allen’s infinitely pained soul shook its translucent head when asked for comment. “Yeah, I know it sucks, but I have only myself to blame, right? Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Maybe if I’d just gone to Church another time or put an extra dollar in the collection plate I wouldn’t be in this mess. Heck, part of the reason I became a Christian in the first place was the easier standard. No way I could have made it into Muslim or Mormon Heaven, you know? Not in America. Pastor Dave told me if I just showed up to Church and accepted Jesus Christ into my heart I’d be saved, but I guess I should have read the fine print.”

                         The Heaven Admissions Committee circa 2012

With proliferation of the Internet and an abundance of what experts refer to as “misdemeanor sin,” stories like this are becoming more common than ever.

“I tell people they have to be careful these days,” says senior NFFHC theologian Ralph Pinkerton, ThD. “There are just so many sins nowadays that people 100 or 200 years ago didn’t have access to. Of course Heaven has responded by ‘updating’ some of their scoring penalties and giving out better bonuses for good behavior, but God is always behind the times. It’s just not enough for many people. You can always appeal the Committee’s decision to Jesus through the power of prayer, but he usually doesn’t respond.”

Rant: Why Law School is a Terrible System for Training Lawyers, a Video Game Analogy

Blind as a bat.

The notion that the current law school paradigm is an ineffective and/or inefficient method for producing new lawyers is nothing new. But every day of my life—particularly days I pay my student loan bill—I grow increasingly convinced that it’s not just a faulty system in need of some tweaks, but a god awful abomination in need of an exorcism and/or disembowelment. To illustrate why, I’d like to analogize this to learning a skill we can all (hopefully) understand: Super Mario Brothers.

What if playing Super Mario Brothers was a real profession (outside of South Korea, I mean)? Now, say our society decided that, because of the importance of highly-skilled Mario players to society, it was going to create a standardized educational process for producing new highly-skilled Mario players. How would that work? Well, if it was anything like law school, first you would start by taking classes on “core” Mario skills, which basically means the type of Mario knowledge you’ll be tested on when you take the Mario licensing exam. You’d take classes like Enemies, Jumping, Attacks, Worlds and Basic Boss Tactics. In these classes you’d learn about the history of the Nintendo System and the Mario video game series and all the different enemies and characters and lands and worlds and obstacles and upgrades and prizes that exist throughout the series. You’d hear about mushrooms and flowers and feathers, memorizing what they did and classic tactics for their use. Maybe you’d learn about some of the more famous places in the Mario World, making flashcards of item locations, major cheeses and pitfalls, etc. Then maybe you’d take classes on advanced tactics for the more difficult bosses and strategies for defeating them as well. After that you’d take some elective classes designed to really get you to “think like a gamer” so that you could make the spontaneous and quick-witted moves necessary for success when employing traditional Mario tactics failed to get satisfactory results. Or maybe you’d elect to take some classes where you went really in depth on Super Mario Brothers 3 so you could get official Mario 3 certification in addition to your Mario degree and become a specialist Mario companies hired when they needed someone to really kick ass and take names at Mario 3.

Then, once you’d gotten sufficiently edumacated on all the main aspects of all the important editions of the Mario series, you’d spend a couple months and about $3,000 re-studying all the crap you studied during Mario school. Finally, at long last, you’d be allowed to sit for a multi-day test on all the different things you had learned about in Mario school, not really quite as in depth as you got in any of your classes, but superficially covering pretty much everything in the “core” Mario subjects. Some official, licensed Mario experts would grade your test, and if you got a good enough score you would become an official, licensed Mario expert yourself and people you met would assume you were really, really good at Mario.

Then, after all that was done, you could finally pick up the controller and play the game.

Of course, you’d be horrible at first because you would have never actually played Mario except maybe for those two hours that one time where you fulfilled your Mario school’s “practical training requirement” and got to play as Luigi while your mentor, a seasoned official, licensed Mario expert took the first player controller and did most of the leg work. Big Mario companies who understood the system would of course expect this and wouldn’t let you do any serious Mario playing until you’d been with them for years. But plenty of private citizens might hire you to play some Mario for them without realizing you really had no clue what you were doing. Perhaps, with all the Mario you were now playing as an official, licensed Mario expert you’d actually get really good fairly quickly, but you’d also probably screw over a lot of people who thought you knew what you were doing and who trusted you and paid you mad stacks of gold coins to play Mario for them while you learned the ropes and had to hit continue a lot.

That’s basically how we train lawyers in our society (and many, if not most other professions for that matter). When I was in law school I used to think “Okay, well the system needs some improvement but it can be salvaged by some sort of mandatory internship/residency program with a law firm after law school like they do in medical schools.” And I’m sure that would work to create more skilled lawyers before turning them loose on the general public. But why, why, why? It’s such an inefficient waste of time. It does not need to take even remotely that long. The only real reason I can see for why it is this way is to serve entrenched interests. First, the difficulty of becoming a lawyer creates a high barrier to entry, which stifles competition and allows those who are already lawyers to charge more for less. Second, legal education industry is itself an entrenched interest abhorrent to change. Law schools are cash cows for universities. They require minimal facilities and can charge top dollar even when they’re lower tier schools. Maybe these views are overly cynical, but cynicism is one thing I did manage to learn quite a bit of in law school.

Why, in the holy hell, do we need law school at all? How about we make law an undergraduate major and then have students go straight to an internship/residency sort of thing for a few years afterwards (you know, how it was essentially done for hundreds of years before our modern system). I used to be a huge believer in formal education, but honestly, the older I get the more useless it seems. Not just in law school, but in everything. Law school is just a particularly egregious example. Most of the best learning I’ve done has been on my own or on the job. When you learn on your own you generally only learn about things that really spark an interest in you. That sort of personal motivation is a far better catalyst for acquiring a deep understanding of something than the threat-and-prize-based motivational system we use now (i.e. the threat of failure through test, grade and inability to get the sweet prize of a high paying job). And when you learn on the job, the immediate necessity of needing to learn what you need to serve your customer/employer/dark lord and master is a much better motivator (not to mention far more efficient since you only learn what you need) than the vague, distant “you might need to know this someday” sort of crap we dish out now that usually ends up being about 10% true, if that, beyond the licensing exam. Please, let’s end this madness and burn down every law school in this country. Nobody has to lose their jobs. Our current law professor class can just move into being undergraduate professors and continue to spit out law review articles only they and their five closest coworkers will read. And I’m sure there’s a place in the bloated, cholesterol-caked hearts of our undergraduate administrative bureaucracies to incorporate all the other staff. It’s a win-tie situation.

Read the Script for Vault of Ass, My New Destiny-Themed Porno

Destiny, Bungie’s shared world first person shooter, has one of the most porno-worthy plot lines in video games today. Like any good pornographic film, its simple, succinct storytelling doesn’t get weighed down in the sort of information overload that typically plagues science fiction plots.  As a fan of both pornography and Destiny, I’ve long wondered if there was a way I could combine my two passions. A couple horrible K/D ratios and moisturizer-clogged controllers later I discovered that no they couldn’t be combined, at least not in the way I had imagined. That’s when I got another idea…

Without further ado, in honor of the new DLC, House of Wolves, which dropped May 19^th, may I present Vault of Ass, my new Destiny-themed porno script. I’m currently looking for a producer to get this thing off the ground. E-mail me or leave your contact info in the comments if you’re interested.

VAULT OF ASS

EXT. PLANET MARS – DAY

Astronauts on Mars climbing a hill to reveal a giant, hovering space sphere reminiscent of a testicle: the Unraveler.

VOICEOVER

In the year 2236, as humanity first reached for the stars, it came, again and again. We called it the Unraveler, and it ushered in a Golden Age of sex and other related erotic activities. For centuries humanity boned throughout the furthest reaches of the galaxy.

EXT. SPACE – NIGHT

Cut to a video of a big ass spaceship with Fallen-looking aliens wearing pilgrim hats, but like space pilgrim hats, and looking like they haven’t been laid in like a 100 fucking years.

VOICEOVER

But then arrived the Prudeness. It sought to enforce outdated sexual mores upon the people of Earth and the galaxy beyond. At first humanity resisted, but it could not stop the Prudeness. It pushed us further and further back. First we lost Mars, then Venus, then the Moon. Now only a small pocket of free love still exists in the entire galaxy. It is here on Earth, in the Lost City.

EXT. THE LOST CITY, EARTH – DAY

Cut to an image of the Lost City, a large scale, futuristic-looking orgy with lots of naked people fucking in a super hot way.

VOICEOVER

I am Gjallahorny, leader of the Future Whore Cult, a group dedicated to fighting the Prudeness wherever it may be by telling it to “loosen up baby” and having super hot sex in front of it to make it realize how awesome hot sex is.

Fade to Black.

EXT. A TYPICAL SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD IN THE LOST CITY – DAY

New scene opens with futuristic-looking space wizard ringing a doorbell so he can deliver a magical space pizza. The front door opens to reveal a hot, futuristic-looking space babe with librarian glasses.

SPACE WIZARD

Hi, I’m Gjallahorny. Someone order a space pizza?

SPACE BABE

Gjallahorny? How do you spell that? With a Y?

GJALLAHORNY

No, G-J-A-L-L-A-H-O-R-N-Y. It’s space Swedish or something. The G is silent and the J sounds like a Y.

SPACE BABE

But I thought this was Earth, not space Sweden. I’m gonna call you Ballerhorny instead cause you look like you could ball the fuck out of something…or someone.

GJALLAHORNY

Umm…fine by me (pulls collar nervously). Your space pizza is 10,000 Glimmer. We also accept Vanguard Marks, Crucible Marks, Passage Coins, Motes of Light, Strange Coins, Black Wax Idols, Blue Polyphage, Ether Seeds, Iron Banner Medallions, House Banners, Etheric Light, Weapon Cores, Armor Cores, Runed Cores, Treasure Keys, Network Keys, Silken Codices, Axiomatic Beads, Spirit Bloom, Relic Iron, Helium Filaments, Spinmetal, Vanguard Commendations, Crucible Commendations, Hadronic Essence, Sapphire Wire, Plasteel Plating and Weapon Parts.

SPACE BABE

(smiles coyly) Wait, did you say you accept strange?

GJALLAHORNY

Strange c….yeah, strange.

SPACE BABE

(smiles super coyly) Well come on in and let me give you 10,000 Glimmer’s worth.

Gjallahorny walks in to reveal a super hot sex palace with leopard print couches and a large but not scary quantity of multi-colored space dildos of large but not intimidating girth and length.

SPACE BABE

Welcome…to the Vault of Ass.

Gjallahorny is initially speechless, a mesmerized look coming over his face as he surveys the room.

GJALLAHORNY

My god, the legends…they were…true…so true.

SPACE BABE

Here’s another legend cum to life…

The Space Babe strips off her clothes in one swift motion, as if by space magic, to reveal her hot, naked body dressed only in an exotic pair of gauntlets and boots, fully leveled up.

GJALLAHORNY

You’re a warlock?

SPACE BABE

Indeed. They call me Preydick’s Revenge.

GJALLAHORNY

But, how can you wear two pieces of exotic armor at once? That defies the laws of space and time.

SPACE BABE

Only to one who exists within the realm of space and time. It’s a vexing myth cast by the those who seek to spread the Prudeness throughout the galaxy.

GJALLAHORNY

What? I don’t understand. And how exactly did you find an exotic pair of Warlock boots? I thought such things were lost in the Golden Age.

SPACE BABE

I follow the teachings and wisdom of RNGesus young Ballerhorny. Now cum, I want to feel you set off a nova bomb inside my void. That will provide bonus orgasm.

The Space Babe and Gjallahorny proceed to have super hot sex. First the Space Babe gives Gjallahorny a blowjob, then a space blowjob, then they do it doggy style, then cowgirl, then reverse cowgirl, then spooning, then missionary and then finally Gjallahorny pulls out and cums on her space tits. It’s super hot.

SPACE BABE

Congratulations Guardian! You just leveled up.

GJALLAHORNY

I think I leveled all over the place.

They laugh in unison.

SPACE BABE

That was great. Now get the fuck out.

The Space Babe tosses Gjallahorny’s clothes in his face. He tries to get dressed as quickly as he can but she pushes him out the front door still half-naked. Roll credits.

Seven Work Hacks for the Modern Office

Believe it or not, no actual work has been accomplished at this desk in over six months.

Let’s face it: you’re lazy as hell. You know it. I know it. You don’t want your coworkers to know it. But what’s your lazy ass to do, right? This is America. You  can’t climb the corporate ladder without sweating a little, right? Wrong. You don’t have to work harder to keep your job and get promoted. You just have to not work smarter. Follow these seven simple tips, and I promise you’ll be well on your way to achieving the American Dream of getting paid way more than you deserve.

1. Make use of the 80/20 rule. I’m not talking about the idea that 80% of your results come from 20% of your work. I’m talking about how 20% of the time you should make a big show of busting your ass, and then the other 80% you can do nothing. People are natural generalizers. It’s instinct. We try to notice patterns because it’s often inefficient to try to get to the truth of the matter by collecting enough data. You can take advantage of this by giving off the appearance of a pattern of hard work. Once people get that impression of you, you’ll have to fuck up pretty badly to get them to think anything else. As hard as this may sound, I’d recommend really doing a stellar job on your first project. Do way more than is necessary and in such a way that people really take notice. Make a presentation that wasn’t asked for. Stay in the office until everyone has left. Show up before everyone else. Then, after your reputation is established, come in late, leave early and do whatever the fuck you want. Now, I can already hear your objection. “Buhh…but I’m lazy. I don’t want to have to do that.” Not to worry. Where there’s a lack of will, there’s a prescription, which leads me to Tip 2.
2. You now have ADHD. Go to a psychiatrist and get yourself an ADHD diagnosis. It’s not hard and if your shrink doesn’t think it’s the right one, shop around. This is important for two reasons. First, it will get you an Adderall prescription. Adderall is the best. If they want to prescribe you some other drug or, god forbid, behavioral therapy, shop around. You might be able to weasel your way into the right drug by claiming allergies, but it’s probably easier to just go to another doctor. Adderall is useful for those times when you’re busting your ass to give the appearance of being a hard worker to establish a good reputation you can later take advantage of. You probably wouldn’t be reading this article if that sort of behavior came naturally, so why not make it come unnaturally instead? Trust me, this shit will make you a bionic work cyborg from the planet Allnightus. You’ll actually enjoy doing work. It will make even the most mundane, pointless shit seem impossibly interesting. Sound good? Good.
   

   The breakfast of champions.

   Now, the second reason you need ADHD is that it will give you a medical alibi for poor performance and may even get you some special treatment if you claim it as a disability. Have trouble getting the report done on time because the new Destiny DLC dropped? Sorry boss, it was my ADHD. I just couldn’t focus. I’m working real hard on it with my doctor. Just don’t feel like working today? Sorry boss, I’m trying but this ADHD is killing me today. Trust me, they’ll give you a pass. Disciplining you for a medical issue is a dangerous game. They won’t want to poke that hornet’s nest with a 20 foot pole. They’ll only do something about it if your performance gets crazy bad, and if that’s the case you can threaten to hire a lawyer and/or take your case to the media to try in the court of public opinion.

3. Wear a tie or whatever it is snappy dressers of your gender wear in your workplace. Make a little effort on something you don’t have to do and people will assume you put effort into the things you do have to do. It’s a well known fallacy of the business world that well-dressed people work harder. Maybe some of them do. I don’t know. What I do know is that people will assume you work hard and give a shit if you dress like a boss.
4. Don’t worry about getting written up. Write ups are the currency with which sanity is bought in the modern office. Large corporations are bureaucracies as byzantine and arbitrary as the federal government. It’s not a question of private vs. public that makes companies efficient. It’s a matter of size. The government becomes bureaucratic because it’s massive. Get enough humans involved in any type of organization and it’s pretty much inevitable that it will become chock full of random, pointless rules only the most anal retentive employees care about. You’ll find that the more time you work in the place the more you start to care, too. This is called insanity. Don’t fall into this trap. Getting written up doesn’t matter one goddamn bit so long as it doesn’t affect your ability to get promoted. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you think when Coca-Cola interviews a new CEO it gives two shits that Joseph in Accounting wrote him up for improper tabbing of his folders? Fuck that. The only people who care about that shit are the sort of lower level administrative employees who’ve been stuck in the same stupid job for 25 years and have nothing better to do than get in a huff about petty shit.
5. Memorize popular buzzwords and trendy business concepts, then spout them off to your coworkers to make it sound like you know what you’re talking about. We’re talking about the latest pseudo-scientific concepts, “lifehacks” and trendy business methods, as well as the classic empty bromides and corporate speak. We’re talking your disruptive innovations, your synergies, your butter coffees, your burning passion for fucking everything, your leaning in, your doing more with less. Any of that bullshit will do. Talk about how you try to have a personal relationship with your Lord and Savior Steve Jobs and go on and on about how he revolutionized literally everything you do, from taking a shit to making coffee into the beautiful, magical, made in Califuckingfornia experience it is today. The purpose is to create a smoke screen of value around the fact that you’re actually doing nothing. Your whole career is going to be like one of those false second stories they used to put on the front of buildings in the Old West. Trust me, that’s what you want even if you think you don’t. If you didn’t want that you would have gone into a real profession like science or teaching or medicine or something. Only tools and aimless, lazy shits like you and me go into business.
6. Never admit you don’t know the answer. Honestly, if you’ve been at your job for more than a year you should know this by now, but I include it because people still manage to make this mistake. People wouldn’t ask you the question if they knew the answer, so how are they going to know if you’re wrong? Nobody in the business world really has any clue what they’re doing. They’re all either lying or deluded. In fact, usually you start your career lying and by the end of it you’ve started to believe your own bullshit. That’s called personal development. Business is all about appearances. The appearance of confidence is far more important to success in the corporate world than actual competence. That’s called leadership.
7. Delegate, delegate, delegate. You don’t have to be in management to delegate. Anyone can delegate work to someone else so long as that person is willing to do it. This is a high risk, high reward strategy, mind you. It can easily garner you a reputation for “pawning shit off” on other employees, so be careful. I recommend biding your time, taking careful stock of the personalities and habits of your coworkers. What you need to find is that classic combination of workaholism, self-importance and spinelessness: the sort of person who thinks their dumb job actually matters, busts their butt all the live long day and won’t fight back no matter how much shit they get stuck with. It shouldn’t be a problem finding one of these little turds. Big companies love them because they’re willing to sacrifice practically anything for the same price as a regular employee. A good place to start is to keep an eye out for the sort of person who seems like an adult version of Butters from South Park. A key indicator is an aversion to profanity. Listen for expressions like heck, darn-it , rats and, if you’re really lucky, drat or fiddlesticks. Also look for frequent, overt expressions of gratitude, talk of “getting stuff done” on the weekends, an unusually high interest in lawn maintenance, a tidy haircut that wouldn’t be out of place in 1956, excessive patriotic zeal and someone who doesn’t drink caffeine, let alone alcohol. You’re basically looking for a Mormon, in other words.

Golden Corral Scientists Discover Meaty, Non-Toxic New Species of Mammal in Previously Unexplored Reaches of the Urban Jungle

Field biologists working for a Golden Corral in Manhattan’s Lower East Side have discovered a previously unseen mammalian organism living deep the heart of New York City’s urban jungle. Sources report the species is meaty, non-toxic and “basically good enough for human consumption.” If their reports are confirmed, this creature would be the first new mammal discovered within the city’s five boroughs in nearly two centuries.

“This is a remarkable find,” said Chef Frank Salar, a world-renowned expert familiar with the details of the expedition. “It’s simply groundbreaking work poised to slash tens of dollars from the food bills of millions of Americans. In my 30 years working in the field, I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

Initial reports suggest the organism’s flesh becomes “remarkably tender” after a simple regimen of marinating overnight, stewing in a crock pot for eight hours and then sitting in a steam tray under a heat lamp for at least a day.

“I admit, when we trapped the first one, I thought to myself ‘no way is that going to be any good, not even by the standards of someone interested in an all-you-can-eat pricing arrangement,’” said Fry Cook Erwin P. Maer, the supervising biologist leading the expedition into the primeval depths of New York’s notorious urban jungle. “Stacy [Parker], [the expedition’s head chef], though, she marinated the [expletive] out of that thing, stewed it overnight and then let it sit in the team’s steam tray for a couple days, and damned if it wasn’t totally edible. I mean it was at least in line with what you’d expect for an everyday low price of just $8.99.”

Reports describe the creature as gray or brown-furred, between one and two feet in length and possessing a circumference greater in the posterior than the anterior. “They look like furry bowling pins,” said Alice Murray, cashier interested in studying the flora and fauna living beneath New York City, who accompanied Chef Parker on the expedition. “It’s got a long [expletive] tail, too. Good for grabbing, not so good for eating. Even Stacy couldn’t make that part work.”

The animals are also remarkably abundant in the new terrain, which suggests they reproduce both rapidly and affordably, a critical combination.

“This animal possesses what I call the ‘Golden Duo’ of acceptable taste and extreme affordability,” noted Maer.

He wasn’t the only one who was impressed, either.

“There were just a[n] [expletive] ton of these things down there,” said urban jungle guide and street survival expert Miguel Wallace, who assisted the researchers in navigating the labyrinth of subterranean corridors twisting and turning just beneath the city streets. “Give me $10 and a box of trash bags, and I could get you enough meat to fill every buffet steam tray in the tri-state area.”

The expedition made its momentous discovery by accident. The team had originally planned to only study and further document previously explored regions of the vast underground transportation and waste disposal tunnels below Manhattan’s Lower East Side. However, an upside down map and a couple wrong turns later, they stumbled upon a completely unexplored section near the Upper West Side.

“I admit it was pure luck,” Maer said of their serendipitous find. “But then again, weren’t most of history’s greatest discoveries made by accident? Other than the ones given to us by aliens, of course.”

Asked for comment, a press spokesman from Golden Corral’s corporate headquarters said executives were “very pleased” with the new findings and “optimistic” about what it could mean for the company’s bottom line. He added that company researchers would soon begin clinical trials to determine whether customers can tell the difference between the new organism and the “wide variety of competitively-priced meats” already being served at Golden Corral’s 500 locations nationwide.

Life Advice for Millennials Reaches Historic Levels of Smugness and Condescension

Don’t trust anyone under 30. That’s the message coming from the world’s many, many articles, blog posts, books, letters and editorials  geared towards giving life advice to 20something Millennials. From personal finance, to home buying, to job interviews, to proper internet behavior, to thinking in general, Millennials are dependent, entitled, coddled, shallow, moronic, myopic overgrown children wandering from one empty, hedonistic, self-aggrandizing activity to the next while living in the basements of their industrious parents whose only mistakes in life were raising such ungrateful brats.

While topics discussed cover virtually every aspect of life, much of the advice attempts to raise Millennial awareness of basic financial concepts of which they’ve never heard , such savings accounts, retirement accounts or the fact that the United States uses something called “currency” to facilitate the exchange of goods and services between parties.

“Not to put a damper on your YOLO guys,” writes 59 year-old syndicated advice columnist/trend watcher Michael Garbo, “But IRL you know what you should FOMO even more than waiting in line for the latest iPhone? Being able to afford a down payment on a house. Yeah, you know that thing your parents live in above your basement? You’ll need to buy one of your own one day. That means you need to  pay down your credit cards and open a savings account now. That is, unless you expect mom and dad to buy that for you, too.”

Lots of advice also seems to revolve around technology-related horror stories seen on the evening news and assumed to be commonplace.

“Here’s a tweet for you,” says 62 year-old, Greenville, TX resident Allen Holmes in a letter to the editor of his local newspaper, a publication with 97% of its readership over the age of 50, “’Young person gets fired for criticizing employer on Facebook and never leaves parents’ basement.’”

“The internet isn’t anonymous boys and girls. Anything you put  on there can and will be seen by the whole world, including employers and potential employers. Use your head. You know what I’m talking about, right? It’s that thing between your ears you’re always taking selfies of.”

Perhaps the most frequent source of advice surrounds the much-lamented Millennial sense of entitlement.

“Hey Millennials, you check out hashtag employers don’t owe you a job dot com yet?” wrote 47 year-old Cincinnati resident T. Montgomery Taft, a retiree whose primary occupation consists of writing screeds about being “a victim of the form of legalized theft euphemistically referred to as the estate tax.” “Yeah, I’m not L-O-L-ing either. If you ever want to get out of your parents’ basement, you’re going to have work for it, and you’re going to have to work hard. Nobody gives you anything for free in this world.”

Millennial getting ready to ask parents to buy both cars because she can’t decide.

Asked for comment, most Millennials we spoke to shrugged it off.

“Yeah, I got it dad,” said 27 year-old Katie Lowe. “I shouldn’t send every guy I know on ‘the Facebook’ naked pictures of myself.” Lowe paused for a moment before shaking her head and adding, “I mean who the hell does he think I am?”

“My dad just goes on and on about the importance of saving up enough to avoid mortgage insurance,” said 25 year-old Michael Parker. “You know, like it’s some insider secret only he and the CEO of Wells Fargo know. He should just be happy I finally moved out of his basement.”

Lifehacks Squared: Lifehack Hacks that Will Further Hack Your Already Well Hacked Life

     This guy gets it.

1. Don’t say “I think” in your writing. It implies a lack of confidence. Say “God revealed this absolute truth to me in a dream” instead.
2. When you go on a first date, take your date to a sex shop. From then on they’ll associate you with sex.
3. Attitude is critical. Many negative sensations can be reframed as positive ones. For example, stress is actually the same physiological response as exhilaration and being painfully constipated while doing jumping jacks is the same thing as super hot anal sex.
4. Most people can’t tell the difference between competence and confidence. Never, ever admit you don’t know how to do something. It’s called leadership.
5. Enthusiasm is infectious. Try to act really excited about seeing someone next time you meet and they’ll probably pretend to be excited about seeing you, too.
6. If you’re at a meeting and expect someone is going to take you to task, sit right next to them. They’ll lose the pack mentality that makes them feel safe attacking you since you were sitting close enough to slip something in their drink.
7. Try this old trick to combat anxiety before your next big presentation: drink four shots of whiskey 20 minutes before you begin.
   

             Whiskey: Nature’s Xanax

8. It’s a psychological fact that people are more likely to agree to a big favor if you’ve gotten them to agree to a small one first. Next time you’re hitting on a woman, borrow her pen before asking “Wanna bang?”
9. When a group of people laughs, they instinctively look toward the person they like the most. Tell a joke to get everyone laughing, figure out who the group likes the most, then do your best to sabotage that person so you can take their place as the most beloved.
10. When giving a big speech, combat your fear of public speaking by imagining everyone is in their underwear and that you’re kicking off a massive orgy. Pre-orgy speeches are generally short and to the point, so they shouldn’t make you that nervous.
11. Next time you get sick, keep a “culture” of the disease by saving a jar of your phlegm and blood. When you need some time off work, wipe the culture all over your coworker’s desks (or better yet their food). You’ll still have an immunity to the disease, but they will all get sick. Nobody will suspect a thing when you call in sick, too.
12. If you’re interviewing someone and they only give you a partial answer, remain silent and maintain eye contact. They will probably give you more information when you twist their arm behind their back until it nearly breaks.

It’s Time the Government Started Subsidizing Our Constitutional Right to Bear Arms

You hear a lot these days from so-called “progressives” talking about how the “less fortunate” have a “right” to this and that regardless of their ability to pay. You might have noticed “this” and “that” are always somehow rights that liberals like. But people have a right to lots of things, don’t they? Why do liberals get to pick and choose which ones the government pays for? Shouldn’t all of our most sacred rights, those enshrined in the Constitution, be things that everyone has access to in reality and not just in name? Why should someone’s ability to pay affect their ability to exercise the freedoms that make this country great? Liberals will hoot and holler all day long about an indigent defendant’s Constitutional right to a free attorney courtesy of Uncle Sam when that man’s freedom is on the line, but what about when a man’s life is on the line? Should he not be able to defend it with a personal firearm even if he is poor? I say it’s high time the government start subsidizing citizens’ Constitutional right to bear arms.

The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution guarantees all citizens the right to bear arms for personal protection, but the sad truth of the matter is that guns are expensive. This is of course in part because of all the ridiculous gun control regulations liberals pass to drive firearm prices up, but there’s also the simple fact that guns are precision tools and stuff like that never comes cheap. The bottom line is that we now live in a world where not every law-abiding, freedom-loving American can afford to purchase a quality firearm. When it’s either buy a gun or put food on the table, people are usually forced to do the best they can in a bad situation. This is an inescapable fact, and it’s not going to change unless we do something about it. How is it that in the richest nation on Earth, we can’t ensure that every man, woman and child has access to quality, affordable firearms to protect themselves, their property and their loved ones?

Some people argue that, as common sensical and even noble as such a policy might be, it’s simply impractical, that the government simply can’t afford to start buying people guns without raising taxes. Let’s set aside the fact that the government already pays for plenty of non-constitutional rights like welfare and food stamps just because they think people “need” them. That doesn’t matter because of the simple fact that providing guns to the less fortunate won’t cost the government money. It will make the government money.

Yes. You read that right. Why? Because of a principle called shoot first economics.

Let’s start with the simple fact that this country spends billions per year in law enforcement and  what I term “domestic defense.” That is, defending law abiding citizens from criminals, vagrants, ruffians and other ne’er-do-wells , as opposed to military defense, which involves protecting us from foreign invaders and secessionists. Much of that domestic defense comes from paying police officers and other law enforcement professionals to patrol the streets of America, protecting innocent victims from predatory criminal elements. These expenses include salary, benefits, overhead in the form of police buildings, support staff, gas to power their cruisers, etc. All of this adds up to a heck of a lot of money.

It doesn’t have to be this way, though. We don’t have to be victims. The vast majority of domestic defense spending is only necessary because of the surprisingly large portion of the population that either cannot or will not defend themselves with their own personal firearm. The will nots have chosen their lot, and I can do nothing for them. I assume, I hope, I pray, they are few and far between. But the cannots we absolutely can and should help defend themselves.

This isn’t a matter of charity, remember. The beauty of providing equal access to firearms is that if everyone can get a gun, law enforcement will become largely unnecessary, saving taxpayers countless billions of dollars every year. Like most things, the private sector does it better. Rather than just give a blanket level of protection to everyone, it’s far more efficient to give citizens the right to choose exactly how much protection they think they need. This makes sense both because citizens are usually at the scene of a crime and in a better position to stop it (or can at least leave a shotgun booby trapped behind the door), and because those living in less dangerous neighborhoods can tailor a specific, minimal level of protection more appropriate to their situation, rather than the simplistic “every town gets a full police force” model we have now.

Sounds great, right? But remember, this is only possible if every person in America has access to their own firearm. So yes, buying lots of firearms itself costs money, but it’s an investment, not an expenditure. We won’t have to spend so much (if anything) on law enforcement if people just take a little personal responsibility for their own welfare instead of relying on the nanny state for protection. The costs of the firearm and ammo necessary to defend oneself from typical crimes are far less than the costs of the salary and expenses of the officers who would have dealt with that crime had the citizen had not been a responsible gun owner.

So the domestic defense aspect of shoot first economics is obviously sufficient justification for Second Amendment subsidies, right? But wait, there’s more! See, I contrasted domestic defense from military defense for a reason: because arming your citizenry also has the potential to reduce our nation’s reliance on the military for protection. Believe it or not, the Founding Fathers intended the Second Amendment to provide Americans with military protection as well domestic defense. Just the look at the language: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State….” Admittedly, having 300 million “militiamen” living in every house in this country might not completely cut it military-wise in today’s world. We’ll still need our battleships and stealth fighter jets and nuclear subs and thousands upon thousands of tanks in order to fight the wars of yesterday, today and tomorrow. But you can’t possibly argue that allowing every person in this great land the ability to go full Red Dawn on the ass of any invader isn’t valuable.

The real question is: how valuable? Well, that’s debatable. I think you have to consider their value in terms of the costs our military currently incurs for infantry soldiers, which fill essentially the same role as militiamen. Right now, the average soldier costs the US Army about $850,000 per year.  Our population is about 320 million people and currently only about a third of American households own a firearm. In other words, there are about 214 million people out there without a firearm. Of course, not all of those can wield a firearm in a soldierly manner, but we’ll say half of those could. That leaves us with 107 million potential militiamen our country could take advantage of with free firearms. Now, even if given the opportunity to receive a free firearm, not everyone will take that opportunity. This is sad but true, so taking out the hippies and other peacenik freaks, let’s assume 100 million of that 107 million would sign up. 100 million people multiplied by the Army’s cost per soldier of $850,000 is an $85 trillion value we would be getting by doing this. Heck, that’s more than even Obama could spend in a year! Am I right?  Hold on, though. We still have to subtract the cost of the firearms themselves. Assuming a relatively conservative $300 per firearm multiplied by 100 million, that puts the cost of arming all of America at a mere $30 billion. Small price to pay for $85 trillion, right? Talk about value!

So there you have it. When you subsidize the Second Amendment you ensure equal access to Constitutional rights, you save on almost all of America’s law enforcement costs and you get roughly $84.7 trillion dollars worth of value added to America’s military might. It’s win, win, win. Write your Congressman today, and let him know you support equal access to Second Amendment rights regardless of a citizen’s financial situation.

Coworkers All Agree Their Town Has the Craziest Weather

     It was sunny just this morning.

At 2 PM last Thursday, coworkers at a town beverage distributor gathered by a window just as it started to rain.

“Yup, that’s this town’s crazy weather,” remarked assistant sales manager Al Wiggins after noting he had seen mostly blue skies that morning. “You never really know what’s going to happen in this crazy old place. You know how many times I’ve woken up to a perfectly warm, sunny day, forgotten to check the weather report, and then gotten stuck in a rain storm without my umbrella?”

“You assume the weather guy would have called it right,” said Joel LaCroix, chuckling. “With this town’s crazy weather you might as well flip a coin.”

“Isn’t that the truth?” agreed Sherry Harper, another coworker with a serious distaste for Mondays and storm clouds. “I tell you, we’ve got the wackiest weather in this town. You know this one summer I woke up to sunny and 70 only to have it hail that evening. Can you believe it? Hail, in summer!”

The coworkers all shook their heads in amazement.

“Never seen anything like it,” Harper added, failing to disclose that she had never lived anywhere else in her life.

“You guys talking about this weather we’re having?” asked Joe Mangio, the director of human resources, as he stopped by to see what all the fuss was about. “Yeah, that’s classic this place. Some people like to talk about how they have hurricane season or blizzard season where they’re from. I tell them that’s every season in this crazy town!”

“Yeah,” said Higgins. “It doesn’t matter what time of year it is, I usually bring a coat and sunscreen!”

The group laughed in unison, staring off into the distance thoughtfully at this, their lives.