Field biologists working for a Golden Corral in Manhattan’s Lower East Side have discovered a previously unseen mammalian organism living deep the heart of New York City’s urban jungle. Sources report the species is meaty, non-toxic and “basically good enough for human consumption.” If their reports are confirmed, this creature would be the first new mammal discovered within the city’s five boroughs in nearly two centuries.
“This is a remarkable find,” said Chef Frank Salar, a world-renowned expert familiar with the details of the expedition. “It’s simply groundbreaking work poised to slash tens of dollars from the food bills of millions of Americans. In my 30 years working in the field, I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”
Initial reports suggest the organism’s flesh becomes “remarkably tender” after a simple regimen of marinating overnight, stewing in a crock pot for eight hours and then sitting in a steam tray under a heat lamp for at least a day.
“I admit, when we trapped the first one, I thought to myself ‘no way is that going to be any good, not even by the standards of someone interested in an all-you-can-eat pricing arrangement,’” said Fry Cook Erwin P. Maer, the supervising biologist leading the expedition into the primeval depths of New York’s notorious urban jungle. “Stacy [Parker], [the expedition’s head chef], though, she marinated the [expletive] out of that thing, stewed it overnight and then let it sit in the team’s steam tray for a couple days, and damned if it wasn’t totally edible. I mean it was at least in line with what you’d expect for an everyday low price of just $8.99.”
Reports describe the creature as gray or brown-furred, between one and two feet in length and possessing a circumference greater in the posterior than the anterior. “They look like furry bowling pins,” said Alice Murray, cashier interested in studying the flora and fauna living beneath New York City, who accompanied Chef Parker on the expedition. “It’s got a long [expletive] tail, too. Good for grabbing, not so good for eating. Even Stacy couldn’t make that part work.”
The animals are also remarkably abundant in the new terrain, which suggests they reproduce both rapidly and affordably, a critical combination.
“This animal possesses what I call the ‘Golden Duo’ of acceptable taste and extreme affordability,” noted Maer.
He wasn’t the only one who was impressed, either.
“There were just a[n] [expletive] ton of these things down there,” said urban jungle guide and street survival expert Miguel Wallace, who assisted the researchers in navigating the labyrinth of subterranean corridors twisting and turning just beneath the city streets. “Give me $10 and a box of trash bags, and I could get you enough meat to fill every buffet steam tray in the tri-state area.”
The expedition made its momentous discovery by accident. The team had originally planned to only study and further document previously explored regions of the vast underground transportation and waste disposal tunnels below Manhattan’s Lower East Side. However, an upside down map and a couple wrong turns later, they stumbled upon a completely unexplored section near the Upper West Side.
“I admit it was pure luck,” Maer said of their serendipitous find. “But then again, weren’t most of history’s greatest discoveries made by accident? Other than the ones given to us by aliens, of course.”
Asked for comment, a press spokesman from Golden Corral’s corporate headquarters said executives were “very pleased” with the new findings and “optimistic” about what it could mean for the company’s bottom line. He added that company researchers would soon begin clinical trials to determine whether customers can tell the difference between the new organism and the “wide variety of competitively-priced meats” already being served at Golden Corral’s 500 locations nationwide.
Not Fit for Human Consumption 